Cruising Advice For People Who Don’t Like Cruising – Tip#2

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Pick your ports wisely

In my first installment of cruising advice for people who don’t like cruising, I thoroughly – and with more than just a little scorn in my literary voice – debunked the common excuse given by reluctant cruise-goers of “There’s no privacy” or some other such nonsense. In this installment I shall refute another common excuse that comes in a variety of forms. I shall also do so with my trademark cunning and sarcasm (humility sold separately).

The excuses I deal with here all have to do with the ports of call: There’s not enough time in port/I hate the crowds in port/I really dislike some ports of call. While those might seem to be legitimate gripes on the surface, the truth is, they’re not. Don’t believe me? Read on for the explanation. That is, if you haven’t already closed your mind to logic and reason (yeah, there’s some of that scathing sarcasm now).

There’s not enough time in port

This complaint just begs to be answered with the retort: not enough time to do what??!! Is it really necessary to snorkel until your skin shrinks up like a prune? Must you lay out at the beach until melanoma sets in? Is it so important that you visit every single jewelry, souvenir and craft shop before weighing anchor?

The fact is,  the cruise lines have done a pretty good job ensuring that you have enough time in port to see what’s important. Stopping in Progreso, Mexico? Don’t worry, you’ll have time for Chitchen Itza. Calling on San Juan or Ocho Rios? You’ll have plenty of time for El Morro or Dunns River Falls. And while some major metropolises also double as cruise ports with all their attraction-rich diversions, even in world-class cities like Sydney, New York and Rome you should still be able to fit in a few of the main attractions before having to get back on board. At the very least you’ll get to see if you think it’s worth a return trip.

I hate the crowds in port

If this is you then know that I’m right with you. I can’t stand being trapped among the gluttonous hordes. But this doesn’t stop me from enjoying my time in port. The key lies in being willing to venture out on your own. Sure the cruise-run shore excursions are convenient and offer the safety net of knowing the ship won’t leave without you; but by arranging your own excursions in advance you have more control over your time, itinerary and the amount of elbow room. When safe to do so, I heartily recommend renting a car and exploring beyond the rows of souvenir shops that seem to follow you around (I’m talking to you, Alaska!). That’s where the best (and least crowded) travel experiences lie.

I really dislike certain ports of call

This may be true. It might even be fair. But it still isn’t an excuse not to cruise. The solution to this conundrum is twofold – either change your activity or change your itinerary.

It may be that you have no desire to visit a certain port or have already had a bad experience there. My advice is: Get over it! Find something else to do if what you did before was unappealing. Didn’t enjoy snorkeling in Belize? (FYI you’re a weirdo if you say yes) Next time go for the jungle tour. Not a fan of the pushy vendors in the Bahamas? Why not try parasailing next time? It’s unlikely they’ll follow you up there. And if you’re really just so very snobbish that you refuse to set foot in a certain port of call, my advice is: Don’t!!! Nobody says you have to get off the ship. Get your nails done, play Bingo or just lay by the pool. If that’s the worst case scenario, is it really something to complain about? And yes, I meant that sarcastically.

As for your itinerary, unless you’re stuck doing a family reunion at sea, there’s no excuse for choosing one you dislike. Even mainstream cruise lines offer “exotic” itineraries that veer off the beaten path. Personally I’ve found Princess Cruise Lines to be a good blend of value, comfort and interesting routes. But whoever you go with, it’s not hard to avoid the places you don’t like – just take a different ship!

I hope this rundown has cleared up a few common misconceptions (a.k.a. excuses) about cruise ports of call. I also hope that if you’ve used one of these, you feel a certain measure of shame. With a little foresight, preparation and a dose of daring, every port can be a good thing. So when you’re done whining, call me and we’ll book that cruise.


Do you have any port-related advice to share with your fellow travelers? Leave a comment below!

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Cruising Advice For People Who Don’t Like Cruising – Tip #1

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Rainbow over Puntarenas, Chile

As readers of this blog already know, I’m a big fan of cruising (see my book You Can Keep Your Adventure, Just Leave Me the Toilet Paper) In my professional experience, I have run across those who vehemently oppose the very idea of a vacation out on the briny. In this installment (and some future ones as well) I will use my insight, hindsight and foresight to explain why such opposition is unwarranted; nay, downright silly.

Tip #1 – Finding Your Escape Route

A common reason given by those who aren’t interested in a cruise vacation is the desire for privacy and the assumption that aboard a cruise ship, this is not a likely possibility. An understandable assumption to be sure, but we all know what happens when we assume.

The truth is that now more than ever, cruise guests have the option of greater privacy and less forced interaction with the maddening hordes clogging the buffet line. They key lies in knowing where to go (and not go) to get away from it all. The following are some examples of where you can go to escape the crowds so that this lame excuse of needing “privacy” can be debunked for the myth it truly is.

1) Your Cabin

Consider your cabin your own personal sanctuary. It is your space and your space alone. You can refuse daily cleaning service. You can order room service all day long from your bunk. You don’t even have to leave until disembarkation. If you want to live like a recluse and let your hair and fingernails grow until they curl, that is your option. Of course, if this is the option you choose, you might want to ask yourself why you’ve bothered to cruise at all. You’ll also probably want to take a shower.

Yes, for those moments you wish to be utterly alone, you can hide out in your own accommodations. If that’s your game plan, then I highly recommend that you invest on a nice cabin – preferably one with a balcony or a porthole – where you can take your rest and room service in peace. It will also help to get rid of the stink.

2) Your Table

That’s right, most cruise lines these days give guests the option of choosing freestyle dining times and configurations. So if you’re turned off at the idea of a week of forced conversation with strangers (which can be a lot more fun that you think) just let the maitre’d know you want a table for two. You and your significant other/family can dine in peace without hearing about how much the middle-aged couple from the Midwest lost at the casino or a how the elderly couple from Florida almost won at Bingo but were waiting on an I 27.

3)Adult-Only Areas

More and more, recently refitted ships are reserving portions of their public space as adult-only areas. Usually in the vicinity of the spa, these oases are all about relaxation and tranquility, and have zero room for screaming infants – or for that matter, any other screaming individuals regardless of their age . You may not be completely alone, but you’ll be far enough from the masses so that with a decent set of headphones it should be more than just an adequate amount of privacy.

4) Libraries and Lounges

Every ship has those little corners that look nice in the brochure but are often underutilized. The libraries are commonly without seething throngs of patrons and there’s always a bar or lounge that sits quietly when no scheduled activities are taking place. If you’d like to get out of your cabin but still would rather not rub elbows with the masses, this might just be a good compromise.

5) Your Own Balcony

I alluded to this in the first listing, but having a private balcony means you get to be with you, your travel partner(s) and the ocean below – that’s it. If that’s not enough privacy, then perhaps you should move out to a cabin in the woods. I hear the Unabomber’s is available…

There are other places you can go for “privacy” on a cruise ship – your closet, your suitcase, or you can sneak into a smokestack. But the above suggestions are enough to brush aside the quote unquote lack of privacy issue. Besides, if you really want to be by yourself that badly, maybe you should stay at home. Just remember to crack a window…

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Whether it’s a custom tee, bucket list design or personalized departure or arrivals board, Custom Travel Art can create the perfect gift for the traveler in your life – even if that traveler is you! Browse our collection now for the perfect travel gift.