Cruising Advice For People Who Don’t Like Cruising – Tip#2

Pick your ports wisely

In my first installment of cruising advice for people who don’t like cruising, I thoroughly – and with more than just a little scorn in my literary voice – debunked the common excuse given by reluctant cruise-goers of “There’s no privacy” or some other such nonsense. In this installment I shall refute another common excuse that comes in a variety of forms. I shall also do so with my trademark cunning and sarcasm (humility sold separately).

The excuses I deal with here all have to do with the ports of call: There’s not enough time in port/I hate the crowds in port/I really dislike some ports of call. While those might seem to be legitimate gripes on the surface, the truth is, they’re not. Don’t believe me? Read on for the explanation. That is, if you haven’t already closed your mind to logic and reason (yeah, there’s some of that scathing sarcasm now).

There’s not enough time in port

This complaint just begs to be answered with the retort: not enough time to do what??!! Is it really necessary to snorkel until your skin shrinks up like a prune? Must you lay out at the beach until melanoma sets in? Is it so important that you visit every single jewelry, souvenir and craft shop before weighing anchor?

The fact is,  the cruise lines have done a pretty good job ensuring that you have enough time in port to see what’s important. Stopping in Progreso, Mexico? Don’t worry, you’ll have time for Chitchen Itza. Calling on San Juan or Ocho Rios? You’ll have plenty of time for El Morro or Dunns River Falls. And while some major metropolises also double as cruise ports with all their attraction-rich diversions, even in world-class cities like Sydney, New York and Rome you should still be able to fit in a few of the main attractions before having to get back on board. At the very least you’ll get to see if you think it’s worth a return trip.

I hate the crowds in port

If this is you then know that I’m right with you. I can’t stand being trapped among the gluttonous hordes. But this doesn’t stop me from enjoying my time in port. The key lies in being willing to venture out on your own. Sure the cruise-run shore excursions are convenient and offer the safety net of knowing the ship won’t leave without you; but by arranging your own excursions in advance you have more control over your time, itinerary and the amount of elbow room. When safe to do so, I heartily recommend renting a car and exploring beyond the rows of souvenir shops that seem to follow you around (I’m talking to you, Alaska!). That’s where the best (and least crowded) travel experiences lie.

I really dislike certain ports of call

This may be true. It might even be fair. But it still isn’t an excuse not to cruise. The solution to this conundrum is twofold – either change your activity or change your itinerary.

It may be that you have no desire to visit a certain port or have already had a bad experience there. My advice is: Get over it! Find something else to do if what you did before was unappealing. Didn’t enjoy snorkeling in Belize? (FYI you’re a weirdo if you say yes) Next time go for the jungle tour. Not a fan of the pushy vendors in the Bahamas? Why not try parasailing next time? It’s unlikely they’ll follow you up there. And if you’re really just so very snobbish that you refuse to set foot in a certain port of call, my advice is: Don’t!!! Nobody says you have to get off the ship. Get your nails done, play Bingo or just lay by the pool. If that’s the worst case scenario, is it really something to complain about? And yes, I meant that sarcastically.

As for your itinerary, unless you’re stuck doing a family reunion at sea, there’s no excuse for choosing one you dislike. Even mainstream cruise lines offer “exotic” itineraries that veer off the beaten path. Personally I’ve found Princess Cruise Lines to be a good blend of value, comfort and interesting routes. But whoever you go with, it’s not hard to avoid the places you don’t like – just take a different ship!

I hope this rundown has cleared up a few common misconceptions (a.k.a. excuses) about cruise ports of call. I also hope that if you’ve used one of these, you feel a certain measure of shame. With a little foresight, preparation and a dose of daring, every port can be a good thing. So when you’re done whining, call me and we’ll book that cruise.

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Do you have any port-related advice to share with your fellow travelers? Leave a comment below!

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A Wanderlust Wardrobe for the XL Seasoned Traveler

Picking the properly-artistic souvenir t-shirt is an art unto itself

Just recently I participated in an internet challenge seeking the advice of seasoned travelers as to what it is that we like wear while galavanting about the planet. I consider myself a seasoned traveler. I’m also kind of fat. So I decided to share a post about my ideal “wanderlust wardrobe” from the perspective of someone whose total number of miles traveled is nearly on par with their daily caloric intake. In other words, the kind of guy you hope you’re not seated next to on the plane.

For me, the greatest trial when traveling isn’t the foreign languages or jet lag. It is all about trying to stay comfortable when crammed into a tiny airplane seat for ten hours or waiting for a train with a humidity level of over a million. Travel logistics can be uncomfortable and/or fatiguing even under the best of circumstances. Tight shoes and a rigid waistband don’t help matters. Below I’ve listed some elements of my ideal “wanderlust wardrobe” for achieving both comfort and style. Feel free to comment with ideas of your own.

1) Pants with an elastic waistband

I guess you can say I have a classic hourglass figure with between twenty to twenty-five minutes shoved in somewhere around the middle. OK, maybe I’m exaggerating (about the hourglass part), but for those of us with a little ‘cushioning’ located around the equator, an inflexible waistband makes the already-challenging act of finding a comfortable position while on a transcontinental flight a real nightmare. Loose pants may sound appealing, but unless they’re accompanied by a sufficiently-strong belt, they can make for some very embarrassing moments while running through the airport. And if you have to wear a belt (and take it off getting through security) you’re back to square one. With elastic waistbands, those who carry their share of famine insurance around the midsection can have the anti-gravitational support they need while still being able to properly contort into a coach class seat.

2) Moisture-wicking shirts that breathe

When traveling to tropical or warm weather locales, I have long suffered from being drenched with sweat – often on my way between getting off the plane and the terminal. With today’s technology, synthetic materials can wick away some of that self-produced moisture and allow your overheated torso to breathe without taking your shirt off. If, like me, you fit the description listed in the point above, then you’re probably doing everyone else a favor by keeping it on.

3) Slip-on shoes with comfortable insoles

Since I’ve already substituted my belt with an elastic waistband, I see no point in having any delays at airport security due to my shoes. Being able to slip them on and off at will also comes in handy while on the plane or upon arriving at the beach. As for the comfortable insoles, just consider the long walks between the terminal and baggage claim in your average international airport – and that’s before you even take a step outside. And if you’re traveling to a place with great vertical range, such as the Amalfi Coast and its endless stairs, buying comfy insoles will cost you less than a visit to the podiatrist.

4) The right t-shirt

When it comes to buying a souvenir t-shirt I admit to being a bit OCD. As I mentioned before, the right t-shirt would not be 100% cotton due to stickiness and shrinkage issues (I mean the shirt, of course), though it is in this arena that form outweighs function. The design should indicate where the shirt was purchased without looking like it was picked up out of the clearance bin. The image should represent a distinguishing element of the place visited without being tacky or overly-busy. Understatement works well in this tiny, under-served niche of the fashion industry. I’m actually quite proud of my collection of t-shirts from around the world, and in almost every case their purchase was the result of a protracted search and intense elimination process. Those who have traveled with me can attest to my scrupulous efforts to seek out the right t-shirt. They can also attest to the validity of points 1-3 while waiting for me to choose.

5) A wide-brimmed, crushable hat

My travel hat is one of my most prized possessions. Not only is it a vehicle to showcase my exhaustive travel pin collection, but it serves any number of useful purposes; like protecting my eyes and scalp from the sun or covering up my messy hair. You can also throw in looking like an experienced traveler to dissuade any charlatans who might be thinking about running one of their scams on the wide-eyed foreigner. Just be sure that your hat is wide, weathered and stylish enough that you come across as a traveler, not a tourist.

Form Vs. Function

Naturally, there’s a form versus function aspect to all this. A shirt can be the most comfortable article of clothing in the world, but if it looks hideous, I still have enough vanity not to wear it. And those mud-stomping, gel-filled, air-cooled, super-dope-looking hiking boots with 4.7 miles worth of laces certainly do have their place, but that place is not in the airport security line. I guess it all depends on the nature of the trip, how much you want to lug around, and of course, who you’re looking to impress. Personally, I go for the Indiana Jones & the Temple of Comfort look – part adventurer; part lazy bum – on travel days. After that I seek to return to my normal, style/weight-conscious self, who is happiest when filling in immigration forms and stretchy t-shirts around the globe.

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Do you have an item of clothing that you won’t leave home without? Share it by leaving a comment below!

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Whether it’s a custom tee, bucket list design or personalized departure or arrivals board, Custom Travel Art can create the perfect gift for the traveler in your life – even if that traveler is you! Browse our collection now for the perfect travel gift.

Cruising Advice For People Who Don’t Like Cruising – Tip #1

Rainbow over Puntarenas, Chile

As readers of this blog already know, I’m a big fan of cruising (see my book You Can Keep Your Adventure, Just Leave Me the Toilet Paper) In my professional experience, I have run across those who vehemently oppose the very idea of a vacation out on the briny. In this installment (and some future ones as well) I will use my insight, hindsight and foresight to explain why such opposition is unwarranted; nay, downright silly.

Tip #1 – Finding Your Escape Route

A common reason given by those who aren’t interested in a cruise vacation is the desire for privacy and the assumption that aboard a cruise ship, this is not a likely possibility. An understandable assumption to be sure, but we all know what happens when we assume.

The truth is that now more than ever, cruise guests have the option of greater privacy and less forced interaction with the maddening hordes clogging the buffet line. They key lies in knowing where to go (and not go) to get away from it all. The following are some examples of where you can go to escape the crowds so that this lame excuse of needing “privacy” can be debunked for the myth it truly is.

1) Your Cabin

Consider your cabin your own personal sanctuary. It is your space and your space alone. You can refuse daily cleaning service. You can order room service all day long from your bunk. You don’t even have to leave until disembarkation. If you want to live like a recluse and let your hair and fingernails grow until they curl, that is your option. Of course, if this is the option you choose, you might want to ask yourself why you’ve bothered to cruise at all. You’ll also probably want to take a shower.

Yes, for those moments you wish to be utterly alone, you can hide out in your own accommodations. If that’s your game plan, then I highly recommend that you invest on a nice cabin – preferably one with a balcony or a porthole – where you can take your rest and room service in peace. It will also help to get rid of the stink.

2) Your Table

That’s right, most cruise lines these days give guests the option of choosing freestyle dining times and configurations. So if you’re turned off at the idea of a week of forced conversation with strangers (which can be a lot more fun that you think) just let the maitre’d know you want a table for two. You and your significant other/family can dine in peace without hearing about how much the middle-aged couple from the Midwest lost at the casino or a how the elderly couple from Florida almost won at Bingo but were waiting on an I 27.

3)Adult-Only Areas

More and more, recently refitted ships are reserving portions of their public space as adult-only areas. Usually in the vicinity of the spa, these oases are all about relaxation and tranquility, and have zero room for screaming infants – or for that matter, any other screaming individuals regardless of their age . You may not be completely alone, but you’ll be far enough from the masses so that with a decent set of headphones it should be more than just an adequate amount of privacy.

4) Libraries and Lounges

Every ship has those little corners that look nice in the brochure but are often underutilized. The libraries are commonly without seething throngs of patrons and there’s always a bar or lounge that sits quietly when no scheduled activities are taking place. If you’d like to get out of your cabin but still would rather not rub elbows with the masses, this might just be a good compromise.

5) Your Own Balcony

I alluded to this in the first listing, but having a private balcony means you get to be with you, your travel partner(s) and the ocean below – that’s it. If that’s not enough privacy, then perhaps you should move out to a cabin in the woods. I hear the Unabomber’s is available…

There are other places you can go for “privacy” on a cruise ship – your closet, your suitcase, or you can sneak into a smokestack. But the above suggestions are enough to brush aside the quote unquote lack of privacy issue. Besides, if you really want to be by yourself that badly, maybe you should stay at home. Just remember to crack a window…

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Been There, Done That (But Would Do It Again)

On the wall of my office is a large world map, covering the majority of the available wall-space above my desk. I used to have one twice the size before I sold my home with the purpose of literally downsizing. In each case, the map was/is liberally dotted with color-coded pins detailing the places I’ve been – a badge of honor within the travel community; a lame attempt at looking cool to everyone else. While the act of pinning my map on the safe return from a voyage abroad is a great source of joy (See my blog post: Happiness is Pinning a Giant, Oversized Map), the greater joy comes from reflecting on which experiences were had on that particular spot, and the memories each pin represents.

With so many unpinned places on my map, I’m always quite reluctant to use my precious time and resources to go back to places I’ve already been. But experience has shown that there are some places that are most certainly more than worth it. Below I’ve compiled a list of five of my greatest travel experiences (in no particular order) and the wondrous places where you too can have those same experiences for yourself.

Hot Air Ballooning in Cappadocia, Turkey

Hot Air Ballooning in Cappadocia, Turkey

This region in Central Anatolia is right out of another planet. With cities carved out of the soft volcanic rock and the giggle-inducing shapes of the so-called “fairy chimneys” it’s hard to believe you’re still on earth and not in a galaxy far, far away (See my blog post: The Witty Traveler’s Guide to Cappadocia). The best and most-awesomest way to take in this surreal landscape is by hot air balloon, which will allow you to alternately soar far above and skim the surface of this otherworldly wonderland. If it weren’t for parking and three-point turns, I’d say hot air balloon is the nicest way to travel, period.

Zip-lining in Jodhpur, India

Zip Lining Mehrangarh Fort

I’m a fan of zip-lining in general, having done so numerous times; mostly in jungle settings. The only gripe I have about these “canopy tours” is that often there’s little to see other than branches and tree trunks as you hum along a cable to the next platform. It’s still an awesome experience, but in the city of Jodhpur, India, you can have the same zip-lining excitement with an entirely different backdrop – in this case the mammoth Mehrangarh Fort with the ethereal ‘Blue City’ lying at its feet (See my blog post: A Hyper-Inspirational Shade of the Color Blue). Starting and ending from the fort’s massive stone ramparts, participants will soar over and around an artificial lake and stare out at the boxy monochrome houses right out of an Escher drawing. So if you like your adventure with a side of scenery, this is the place to do it.

Cheetah Encounter in Livingstone, Zambia

As an animal lover, some of my greatest travel experiences quite understandably revolve around animal encounters (See my blog posts: Game On! A Rundown of What to Expect on a Safari Game Drive, and The Chobe Riverfront: Botswana’s Got Game). Of all these encounters, the most thrilling most far was the Cheetah Encounter excursion I had in Livingstone, Zambia (See more on the blog post: When a Cheetah Licks Your Head, Try Not to Laugh). Having the chance to pet, walk and get licked by these gorgeous giant felines was a thrill that still hasn’t worn off. Located near incomparable Victoria Falls, these spotted kitties almost made me forget about that ‘other’ attraction in town.

Shark Diving in Bora Bora, French Polynesia

Lagoon of Bora Bora, French Polynesia

Continuing the animal encounter theme, the only thing I like more than seeing animals is seeing animals underwater. I’ve done a few shark feeding dives where a ribbon of meat is lowered down an anchor line to the sharks waiting below, and each time it was both thrilling and a tiny bit terrifying. What made the experience in Bora Bora so memorable was the appearance of a trio of 8-10 foot Lemon Sharks who nonchalantly snapped up a morsel of floating food just inches above my head. Being in the open water with creatures longer and fatter than I am is a humbling and exhilarating experience; so much so that it trumps my enthusiastic octopus encounter (See my blog post: To the Octopus I Chanced Upon One Early Winter’s Eve) for Best Undersea Experience.

Hanging Out in Brazil’s Costa Verde

The idyllic harbor of Abraao, Ilha Grande, Brazil

I know hanging out doesn’t sound all that exciting, but if you’ve been to Brazil’s Costa Verde I’m sure you can understand. Whether it was a night out on the town in Rio de Janeiro (See the blog post: In Rio de Janeiro Save the Drama for the Scenery), a stroll through the rain forest on idyllic pedestrian-only Ilha Grande (See the Post: A Love Letter to the Island I Met a Year Ago), or an evening’s exploration of the cobblestone streets of supremely charming Parati (See the post: Parati, Brazil – The Whole Package), doing something or nothing was an amazing experience either way. In a perfect world, this is where I’d want to live. I would also have less grays and a six-pack but that’s a story for another time.

Insufficient Data…Sort of

To date I’ve visited 65 countries/territories across all seven continents. That said, according to the handy app Been (#beenapp) I’ve only covered 26% of total world countries (29% of Europe, 18% of Asia, 52% of North America/Caribbean, 42% of South America, 10% of Oceania and 100% of Antarctica). This means that however many pins might adorn my map, there’s still the majority to go. Knowing as I do that each future pin represents an as yet unrealized experience, the above list is subject to change and the activities mentioned are by no means an exhaustive compilation of all that awaits. The fun is going out and finding those experiences that will last a lifetime. That, and pinning it on my giant map.

How About You?

Do you have a Top-Five worthy travel experience that you’d like to share? Leave a comment and share your story to inspire the rest of us