Why the Taj Mahal Will Land Your Husband in Hot Water

The obligatory "Taj" portrait
The obligatory “Taj” portrait

“It appears like a perfect pearl on azure ground. The effect is such I have never experienced from any work of art” – British Painter, Hodges

“Not a piece of architecture, as other buildings are, but the proud passions of an emperor’s love wrought in living stones.” English Poet, Sir Edwin Arnold

“A massive marble structure, without weight, as if formed of ether, perfectly rational and at the same time entirely decorative, it is perhaps the greatest art work which the forming spirit of mankind has ever brought forth.”  German Philosopher, Count Hermann Keyserling

The Taj Mahal has received its fair share of accolades. All are entirely appropriate, I assure you. But when I joined the ranks of those fortunate travelers who have seen this magnificent tribute both to love and human endeavor with their own eyes, my quote might be considered far less eloquent. It goes as follows:

“Thanks a lot, hotshot! How am I supposed to compete with that?” – Travel Writer & Jealous Husband, Ben Pastore

Yes, widely considered to be the greatest monument to love, the Taj Mahal is an edifice truly without equal. The problem, you see, is that in constructing this crowning achievement of artistry and architecture, the emperor upped the ante for all future husbands, many of whom – like myself – are a few tens of millions of dollars short of competing, regardless of how deep and true our love and devotion to our wives may be.

Like I said. Thanks a lot.

Yet all is not lost. No husband since Shah Jahan (1592-1666) has been able to trump this particular card, and most wives have been able to get past it. Built essentially as a tomb for his beloved wife Mumtaz (who died while giving birth to their fourteenth child – apparently despite being royalty they didn’t have cable TV), this white marble jewel on the banks of the Yamuna River was erected to memorialize their great love. Ironically, being dead, she wasn’t around to witness the marvel he created in her behalf, leaving him to miss out on scoring what I’m sure would’ve been major brownie points. You fellow husbands can take comfort in knowing that despite all his efforts, the Shah ended up in the same boat as the rest of us, namely, that there’s just no winning.

Instead of just reciting facts and figures about the Taj that you can find in any Google search, I’ve decided to to present this piece as a guide to what to expect when visiting. For all you husbands, the first step is making sure that you tell your wife that you love her – perhaps that might soften her disappointment when she compares all you’ve done and given her with what she’s about to see. As for you wives, your first step should be to remember that very few women actually get to be an emperor’s wife, and you probably shouldn’t use the Taj Mahal as a legitimate gauge as to the depth of your marriage. Oh, and don’t be surprised if your husband starts buttering you up before you walk inside. He’s just trying to temper your disappointment in him.

The Taj Mahal receives many thousands of visitors daily, many of whom arrive in mid to late morning. To avoid the heaviest crowds and also catch the best lighting, come early and if at all possible, hire a guide. Doing so means that you won’t miss out on the myriad of intricacies and nuances that could easily be overlooked by someone who doesn’t know all there is to take notice of. They can also double as a marriage counselor should the need arise.

This world being what it is, one must pass through a security checkpoint and metal detectors before proceeding on to the main attraction. But you’ll get over that real fast as your see the gleaming white dome poking over the high walls leading to the entrance gate. If you’re prone to getting goosebumps, this is likely where they’ll start.

First sight
First sight

Passing through a dark tunnel, the Taj is framed by an archway that opens up to a viewing area that will give you your first glimpse at its ethereal splendor. Much like the dignitaries quoted above, describing accurately the sight of this pearlescent structure isn’t fully possible and you’ll probably burn through a thesaurus or two before even coming close.

As for myself, I remember thinking ‘I cannot believe a building could be so stirringly beautiful to look upon’. Glancing to my right and noting the look of awe in my wife’s expression, that thought was followed by ‘Man, am I in trouble’.

Due to the prevalence of wood-burning fires coupled with pollution, the skies of Agra have a gauzy, hazy quality, which when viewing the Taj Mahal give the tangible sensation of walking through a dream. Seeing the building reflected in the elongated pools in front of it, and the open-air backdrop (deliberately designed so that no other structure would be visible to spoil the view) it could also be compared to walking through every post card you’ve ever seen of it.

It may look doctored, but this image is 100% untouched
It may look doctored, but this image is 100% untouched

At the far end of the first pool is a raised marble platform offering more of the classic panoramas made famous in books and movies. Along the way are various vantage points dispersed throughout the manicured gardens where tourists can have their portrait taken for reasonable prices, and by doing so possibly score some points with the wife – maybe.

The artistry up close
The artistry up close

When you finally approach the building itself, you’ll be required to don the pair of slippers you’ll have been supplied with earlier when you entered, by fastening them over your shoes, thereby protecting the marble base and simultaneously polishing it as well. Here you will be struck by an overwhelming sense of symmetry as you contemplate the minarets (slightly off-plumb so that in the event of an earthquake they would fall outward, away from the tomb), arches and geometric designs. Boldly embossed on the fascia is a quote from the Quran, cleverly constructed in such a way that the text appears uniform despite the laws of optics that would dictate that the text at the top should appear smaller. I’ve got to hand it to the guy. He might have made life harder for the rest of us husbands, but he sure knew how to pick a winning design.

Yet it isn’t just the size and scope of the undertaking that leaves one so impressed. Examining the artistry up close to see the intricate designs in bas relief and the opalescent sheen of figures composed of semiprecious inlaid stones, I couldn’t blame my wife for being so impressed. It would take me a lifetime to replicate even one panel, yet it took only about 22 years to make the whole thing. Granted, Shah Jahan imported an entire army of artisans to work on it (of whom many of their descendants still ply the trade in craft factories and tourist traps just outside the grounds) but even so, considering the technology available at the time, that in itself is an amazing feat.

Inside the mausoleum there are a pair of (empty) cenotaphs for the Shah and his wife. I guess that’s sort of romantic if you don’t focus too closely on why they’re there. As far as final resting places go, it certainly trends to the opulent, once again putting me and every other husband I know at a disadvantage.

When it was time to leave, my wife posed the inevitable question as to what I would do for her in the event of her untimely demise. Feeling dreadfully inadequate, I calculated my best estimate and offered to build her an honorary gazebo. She didn’t say anything, but I got the distinct feeling that she wasn’t all that impressed.

The Taj Mahal will bring a gleam to your eye too
The Taj Mahal will bring a gleam to your eye too

The Taj Mahal, more than any other building on earth, is one of those places that must be observed in person in order to fully grasp its beauty. Sure, it might put a strain on your marriage but hey – so does football season. You wives must be prepared to forgive your husbands for their inability to match the tangible token of the immortal love of Shah Jahan and Mumtaz. And you husbands, bring your wives to see this wonder of the ancient and modern world even if you have no shot to compete. Maybe the fact that you’ve brought here will help her recognize that you’re really not such a bad guy after all.

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